Frustration

The last three months, have been long and frustrating. I was hoping so much that the ADHD medication I was on, would make a positive difference, making me the person I want to be. Sadly, it feels like with so many things in my life, the quest to be normal (or as normal as I could ever be) has failed.

Moving over to non-stimulant medication was really the last hope, and whilst I felt some improvements, the side effects took a pretty terrible toll. So, short of going onto a lower dose of medication, I cannot see a path forward with the current medication that is available on the NHS.

A major issue over since starting medication, has been the effects on my maths and English GCSE. Ideally, i would have been studying between three to five days a week, but with the side effects this has proved impossible. Now, I only have two months before the first exam and I need to focus totally on my work. The difficulty is finding the motivation. I know I have to do the work, but for someone with ADHD, knowing that I have to do the work and doing the work are two completely different things. My brain has to be in the right place, otherwise my time will be wasted.

This is one of the reasons I am much better at doing things for others. If I am doing something to help someone else, I will put hours into doing the work, but when it comes to doing work for myself. The motivation is not there. This was one of the areas, I hoped the medication would help me most, but at no point did I notice any difference.

So now i have to move on. I have no idea what life holds. Everyone else is so positive, but I feel lost and alone. All I see is the gulf between where I am currently and where I need to be.