It's a dogs life.

Almost to the minute. This time last week, I was panicking, as I put my hands in pool of blood, that was on Reggie’s blanket. The next few hours, would involve much worry, confusion, relief, happiness, frustration, devastation, sadness and guilt.

Since then and the writing of the previous post. I have tried to keep busy, going into university every day to do research, or to do various practice shoots for my upcoming project.

At the moment I have a mix of emotions. I still feel devastated at the loss of Reggie, who I miss with all my heart but I know have an amount of freedom, I haven’t had for years, where I can go where I want and do want I want and not worry about coming home to Reggie. I was able to go to the cinema, on Sunday evening, I can go and visit friends and think about having a holiday. I don’t have to be home 4 hours after leaving, because Reggie might have an accident. When I graduated, I can get a full time job.

In almost every way my life is better, not having a dog, but within a couple of days, I was starting to look at various dog shelters, to see what dog, they had. Of course, I knew in reality it isn’t very practical to get another dog but in so many little ways they make a persons life better and it is so hard to let go.

Today, I received Reggie’s ashes, which are sitting on a shelf 6 foot away from me. Reggie would have hated that. 6 feet, was like an ocean to him. He never liked to be far away from me, whilst at home. Any time I was in another room, he would want to be with me. When I was sitting on the settee, he would want to be next to me and of course, when it came to bed time, he thought his place was by my side.

So now, I have a decision to make. What to do with Reggie’s Ashes. I always knew, that I would get Reggie cremated individually. When Jamie was put down, Jamie could have been cremated individually but mum chose, just to have him cremated with all the other dogs, which always felt wrong to me. I don’t generally see myself as sentimental but thought of just disposing of Reggie as if he was nothing just wouldn’t sit well with me.

Now, though I have to decide, where to spread Reggie’s Ashes. Originally, I thought I could spread them down, where my mum’s ashes were spread, but whilst mum loved him, he always felt more like my dog. The second option is that I spread his ashes up in Bexleyheath, at Bursted Woods, where he spend many happy hours sniffing, but that would be away from me, and he would have hated that. The last location is to spread his ashes at the new house, where I live now but how long will I live here? I have no idea and if I moved, I would be leaving him.

It is all very silly, I know because he isn’t around and has no emotions but the thought of leaving him feels like a betrayal.

So do I keep him, until I pass away and have his ashes spread with mine, some time in the future?

Of course, I could do a bit of all but again it just feels weird spreading him around.

I have time and Reggie isn’t going anywhere.

It is amazing how much our four legged friends mean to use. They are our lives and we are theirs.

The last photo I took of Reggie. Taken after we got home from the vets. At this stage, I thought everything was going to be fine, he had settled down and was trying to go to sleep, but a few hours later it became obvious that Reggie had a serious problem and was unable to walk or stand properly. He was losing all quality of life and was panicking. I always said, I wouldn’t put him through something like this and I know putting him to sleep was the right decision but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty.