The stupidity of my brain (Neurodiversity and me)

I am an addict. Some people are addicted to drugs, smoking, drinking, gambling, I am addicted to spending money on my ‘shinies’, and I need to stop, but it is complicated.

The best way to explain this is through an example. Currently, I am thinking of buying the Zeiss Milvus 35mm f/1.4. To say it has become an obsession would be an understatement.

The Zeiss Milvus 35mm f/1.4 is a great lens, and if I had all the money in the world I would buy the lens, but I don’t, and there are some very good reasons.

Cost £900 second hand
Weight 1131g, very heavy for a prime lens
Manual focus, not a deal breaker but still a factor
I already have 3, 35mm lenses, and none of them get a huge amount of use.

I can think of 1 good reason to buy and that is it would complete my set of Main Milvus lenses, 21mm, 35mm, 50mm, 85mm, and of course separately I have the 135mm f/1.4. Now if I was shooting video, this would be a good reason to buy the lens, as Zeiss Milvus lenses will give you a similar look and that is good for high end video. But I haven’t shot video for a long time, and whilst I may or may not want to, there are a lot of practicalities before I would even consider it.

So, the logical side of my brain is posting all sorts of red flags, but the other side of my brain is highlighting, the need to complete the set, which is completely illogical.

Of course, over the last few days, I have become an expert on the 35mm Milvus f/1.4, reading every review, watching every video, looking at different photos, etc, and this plays into my ADHD and constant need to get dopamine. The thought of me buying the lens, watching videos on the lens, reading articles is all a good way of getting dopamine, building up to me eventually buying the lens.

This is not the first time it has happened. It is an obsession I have, be it with watches, hi-fi equipment, books, cameras, lenses or anything else I feel I need. In the past I have tried to buy something less expensive, but that always back fires, and after obsessing for months upon time, where I should be doing work but have been instead trawling the internet, I eventually give in an buy whatever I am obsessing over, not because I need it, but because it is the only way to become a functional human being again.