Joining the army. A look back from a neurodivergant perspective.

On November 5th 1988, I started my basic training with the British Army. I had signed up to join the Royal Pioneer Corp and basic training would take place at Bassingbourn Barracks Royston Hertfordshire, along side new recruits for three infantry regiments. The Queens Regiment, The Royal Regiment of Fusiliers and the Anglican Regiment. I was 17 years old and weighed less than 10 stone.

The reason I joined the army was because I had just done terribly in my school exams and my dad wanted me to join the police force. So he basically told me that I would have to join the army. He also told me not to mention my dyslexia. My guess was because he thought that the army wouldn’t accept me but I also know that he found it very hard to accept that I had dyslexia.

Of course, having dyslexia wasn’t the only issue I had and it wouldn’t be for many years that I suspected I also had ADHD and even more before that was confirmed.

Basic training was 19 weeks back then and I joined the platoon Ypres named after the first world war battle. Training was split into 2 phases. Phase 1 was the first part of turning a civilian into a soldier. Learning to march, the basics of using the British army’s standard rifle, which was at the time the SA80, keeping kit cleaned and ironed, regular inspections and lots of exercise.

For this part of training I did quite well. I was already fit and I had been taught to iron and bull boots by my dad, who was in the military police, so much of what was being taught I had a basic idea of. The only real issue I had was getting organised (which somehow I manage to do and use the SA80, which would become a bigger issue as training went on).

After 6 week, I passed phase 1 of training. Which allowed me to wear the Royal Pioneer badge for the first time. Things were going well, I was well liked by everyone in the platoon and got on particularly with the other member of my section.

I first started to get worried about passing the second phase of basic training around week 7 or 8. Things were not going terribly and I was managing to hide most of the issues I was having but I already knew I was struggling compared to most of my platoon.

People with neurodevelopmental conditions are often able to mask the symptoms of their condition and I was trying as hard as I could. But gradually everything started to catch up with me and the further I got into training the worse it got.

I was constantly tired, which was the case with most of the other recruits but having to mask my issues was a constant strain beyond the normal physical and mental pressure that a basic recruit went through but I struggled on, through Bayonet day and weapons week, up until week 14 trench week. My section even won best section, whilst I was still a member. I had managed to out last around half of the recruits that had joined.

I don’t know at what point the NCO’s had noticed I was falling behind. My fitness was suffering a little though I never failed a fitness test but the big issue I found was using the SA80. My biggest worry was that I would forget to clear the rifle properly and still have a round in the chamber. Somehow I managed to pass my SA80 rifle test (on the 5th time of asking) and amazingly passed using the GPMG the first time (only 1 of 2 to do so). For those who don’t know GPMG stands for General Purpose Machine Gun. The thing was the only way I managed to pass was with one of the corporal pushing me forward because the gas from the machine gun was forcing me back so much.

Everything came to a head, during trench week. This was where we had to dig a trench and live in it for 5 days, with various things happening. One night, our section went on a scouting mission and it was during this when he and I were along scouting a trench that he said that I might be put back.

We finished trench week and headed back to camp. It was there that I was told that I was being put back a month to another platoon. They said that whilst I could pass out with the rest of the platoon, they felt that getting a little bit more training would help more.

Unfortunately, it didn’t. The of my new platoon took an instant dislike of me. I was constantly feeling tired and I just didn’t have the energy to mask properly. I failed my SA80 test (which I had passed the first time, as well as the GMPG test. I couldn’t face doing my NBC test again and was just before my trench week, it was decided that I should be put back again.

It was at this point, I knew that I was never going to pass out and I asked to leave. The truth is, whilst I can remember almost everything from my first platoon, I can hardly remember anything from my second, as if the experience was struck from my memory.

The army liked me. I always tried hard and I continued doing guard duty for at least a couple of months until I was discharged on June 30th 1989. With the Army wanting me to return in a couple of years, when I was physically stronger. At the time, I thought I would but at the back of my mind I knew that I probably wouldn’t just because of all the issues that I was hiding.

Unfortunately, there are no photos of me in the army. I did have some but because I felt that I had failed I never kept them.

For years, I carried around with my the stigma of not passing out. It was one of my biggest regrets. I felt like a failure. It has only been over the last couple of months, that I have re-evaluated the situation, since it was confirmed that I had ADHD.

The reality is, with the combination of my dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia and in particular my ADHD, it was amazing that I did as well as I did and if I had passed out the issues that I had would certainly have caught up with me.

The form of ADHD I have has various different effects. These include:

Making careless mistakes – for example, in schoolwork
Appearing forgetful or losing things
Being unable to stick to tasks that are tedious or time-consuming
Appearing to be unable to listen to or carry out instructions
Constantly changing activity or task
Having difficulty organising tasks

None of which make for a good soldier. I know I did the best that I could do and I couldn’t have done any more. Looking back though. Joining the army did help me in many ways. Training was extremely organised and that was one of the reasons I got as far as I did. If I had to do thing myself I would have fallen behind but because I was with others, it allowed me to keep up for as long as I was able.

In my life, whilst I do have all the above issues. I have taken what I have learnt from my time in the army to help keep me going. So whilst my life may be chaotic on the inside, that experience has allowed me to get around many of the issues I have.

Strangely, in many ways I am much worse with the issues now than I was back then because so much time as passed and many of the little things, I have forgotten and of course being single I do not have anyone around to help motivate me.